the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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