I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
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