overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
