At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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