im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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