I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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