i was born a porn star she said
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
