I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
