the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
