it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
