Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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