God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
