Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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