tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
