Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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