If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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