Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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