I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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