Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
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