you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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