I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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