somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
