We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
