Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
