I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
