Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
