I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
