Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
