Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
