apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
