dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
