I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I FOUND THE LEGS
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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