omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I think a kid would responsible me up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
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