I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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