Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
