Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
