Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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