I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
