Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
