he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
