OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Randomize
