You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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