Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
