I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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