??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
