I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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