remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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