I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
