DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
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i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
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Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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