Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
