Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
