I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
