The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
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Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
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I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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