wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
3pm strippers are depressing
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
