U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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