Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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