You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i've created a new STD.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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