Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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