he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
