if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You've changed since you got that strap on
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
