just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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