the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I wish there were birth control emojis
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
